Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
