my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
