I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
