Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
