I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
