Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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