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the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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