I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
