I wish I could punch you in the face.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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