I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
