You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
