oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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