Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
