he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
