I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
