he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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