Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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