Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And my parents said I crawled through the house
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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