i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
