I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
