her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
