Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
