He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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