i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
