She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
