Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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