He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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