I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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