tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he fucked my hip out of place.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize