you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
