my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
