Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My balls are so social today.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
