What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
