she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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