a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I came so hard my ears popped.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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