I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
