her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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