Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I need to calm my uterus...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
