you didnt know i had herpes?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
