Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
