I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
