We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize