There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
They took my balls.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
