If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
