Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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