Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize