she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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