Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
