what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
