i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
