It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
