Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
