awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
