she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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