My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
