I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
