I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
