My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
