The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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