I can tuck mytits in my pants
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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