You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize