I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
